210454

Joke of the Day

"I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my iPhone ...so you can shut the hell up about how scary D-Day at Normandy was, grandpa."

"I used to drive a Ford Fiesta... Until I took some Adderal to study for my test. Now It's a ford focus"

"What does a goat have when it gives birth? A kid."

"It be cool if that Malaysia plane appeared with Amelia Earhart flying it back"

"I used to have a phone with a really good user interface... ...but someone swiped it."

"""So why do you wanna work at Petsmart?"" *imagines running out of the store with all the dogs in my arms* ""I'm a people person."""

"FERRET OWNERS: EITHER GET A CAT OR A SNAKE STOP TRYING TO SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE"

"My dog used to chase people on a bike It got so bad, I had to take his bike away"

"I hate when people text back ""K""...I'm rarely in the mood to talk about potassium."

"If God is always watching... ...then one day, while masturbating, I'm gonna look that motherfucker straight in the eye and finish like a boss."