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Joke of the Day

"Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me. I just assumed that you knew."

"3 days ago I got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone enters the wrong code in my phone. So far I have 26 pictures of drunk me."

"The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I'd tweet this while I wait for the water to boil..."

"Was just told to take my labor day decorations down. I guess a giant inflatable woman giving birth in your front yard is tacky or something."

"One fun thing about having a crappy car is abruptly shutting off the air conditioner on the highway and pretending you have a hyperdrive."

"I got a 0 on my computers test. a 01000001"

"5 steps to a happy marriage: 1. Doritos 2. Oreos 3. Pez 4. Mr. Noodles 5. Oops this is my grocery list. 6. Still applicable."

"What's the difference between Trump and Bush? Trump builds towers and Bush knocks them down."

"If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I'll assume you're Benjamin Button and unfriend you."

"It's six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six."