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Joke of the Day

"It's six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six."

"me: did you know beethoven was deaf date: the dog? me: of course the dog"

"Two guys walked in a bar and said.. The Game."

"My mom has a habit of replying my texts with NOTED Me:I love you Mom: NOTED Me:Rebels have come and abducted your husband Mom: NOTED"

"It's disturbing that when we see a man's mustache fall off we assume it's an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency"

"When is a door not a door? When it's a jar!"

"The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can't be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear."

"*gets to hell* [In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER"

"Why is the blood of christ wine? Because he drank religiously"

"Had to have ""the sex talk"" with my daughter, she was a little overwhelmed so I left out the part about golden showers & donkey punches"