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Joke of the Day

"On Canadian twitter they should give us 148 characters. We have extra U's in words like colour & the ""eh"" we need to add at the end."

"I was wrestling with an Anaconda for 3 days... And then I realised I was masturbating"

"People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears."

"*hears noise downstairs *wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first"

"The ATM told me, ""Not enough funds in account,"" when I tried to withdraw. This ATM needs a bigger account."

"What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes."

"What do ISIS and cats have in common? They're both a bunch of pussies. Credit to Stephen Colbert."

"Did you hear about the erectile dysfunction support group meeting? It was a total flop, nobody came."

"I'm a vegetarian and when people say to me ""you know Hitler was also a vegetarian"" it always reminds me how many Jews I've been killing"

"I thought my wife had Tourette Syndrome. Turns out I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off."