209418

Joke of the Day

"""I have to inform you that you're sitting in an exit row and are legally required to take a photo of the plane wing and post it on Facebook"""

"Didn't have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered."

"Man next to to me just said into his phone ""You caught me in the middle of a sandwich."" He's lying. He is not in a sandwich."

"The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes."

"No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I'd just go visit my family."

"Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled."

"Did you hear about the man who had sex with a parrot? He got chirpes, and the bad news is...it's untweetable."

"Nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket..., Thinks to herself. ""Well, some asshole's got my pen."" Another you say? What's the difference between rectal and oral thermometers. Taste."

"[in the ambulance] Paramedic: what's your blood type? Me: whatever. I'm not fussy"

"Why can Egyptian crocodiles never admit when they are wrong? They're always in de Nile."