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Joke of the Day

"Man next to to me just said into his phone ""You caught me in the middle of a sandwich."" He's lying. He is not in a sandwich."

"Bought my wife a burka for her birthday She wasn't too happy. Said she won't be seen in it"

"It's called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I'd of sent a bloody letter"

"Why do Vampires hate Writers? Because they hate Type O's"

"I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move."

"I tried to catch fog yesterday... Mist."

"MUGGER: Empty your pockets! ME: But these are cargo shorts. (45 min later) ME: That's the left one MUGGER: Seriously. ME: I am SO sorry"

"I saw something really shady in my neighborhood the other day. An awning."

"scared the postman i scared the postman today by showing up to the door completely naked. im not sure what scared him more, the fact that i was naked, or that i knew where he lived"

"God: Don't eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead [20 min later] Adam: Sooo hungry Eve: Me too Adam: That apple looks good"