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Joke of the Day

"Was tempted to commit suicide last night... So I bought a semi-automatic rifle and shot up a school. (p.s. for those asking, I did in fact drink their blood)"

"So there I was, balls deep in a jar of mayonnaise. When I said to myself, ""Self..."" ""I shoulda made a sandwich first."""

"My sis just asked if sugar goes bad. Now I can't stop picturing it bullying the other spices and selling pot."

"What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman? Lots."

"Well thank you auto correct for changing ""I wish you were here"" to ""I wish you were her"". I didn't wanna have sex anyways."

"Why do hitman always wear gloves? because theyre always wacking guys off...."

"The door is not ajar. It's a door, silly!"

"I went to a mock trial recently and I was really disappointed. I didn't get to mock anyone."

"Twitter management's favorite part of a book is always Chapter 11"

"Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?"