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Joke of the Day

"You should know you'll get loud when you start drinking. It says right there on the label, ""Alcohol by volume."""

"I walked in on two mummies making out. I told them to get a tomb."

"Well, a wasp just flew into my house and I hope the fire department gets here soon."

"To avoid small talk with neighbors I've taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills."

"What's the ultimate rejection? When you masturbate and your hand falls asleep."

"Did you hear about the woman who spent 1 million dollars on plastic surgery for her butt? What a waist..."

"I think the guy in front of me is trying to resolve the world's economic issues single handedly at this ATM."

"A bear walks into a bar... And he goes up the barman, rests his elbows on the bar, and says ""I'll have a pint... ... of beer please."" And the barman says, ""Why the big pause?"""

"What did the Turkish guy say to his babe when she invited him to eat? Ke-bab"

"I'm coming out with a new type of whiskey called cunt... So when someone asks me what i want to drink I'll yell cunt liquor."