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Joke of the Day

"What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he's raping someone? ""Come with me if you want to live!"""

"- What's your cell phone? - iPhone. - No, I meant the number. - It's a 6. - No, to contact you. - I don't use it for that."

"If a black dude tweets the N-word... Can I RT that? What the fuck is the protocol here?"

"I almost wish the guy I'm stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping."

"*interview for new roommate* Ninja: I know it's a small place, but you won't even know I'm here."

"[NSFW] What do people in Arkansas say after having sex? Get off me pa you're crushing my smokes"

"What do you say to a feminist with no arms or legs? Nice tits, bitch!"

"I hear Adrian Peterson is getting into baseball... Apparently he's a great switch hitter."

"[E] open box [empty]"

"POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird."