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Joke of the Day

"- What's your cell phone? - iPhone. - No, I meant the number. - It's a 6. - No, to contact you. - I don't use it for that."

"A joke my 4 year old came up with today... Him: ""What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"" Me: ""I dunno, what?"" Him (loudly): ""An elephant sticking his trunk up!"""

"Japan is not a Democracy. It's a Constitutional Monarchy. They don't have big erections."

"I don't have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up."

"Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club Thank you all for coming."

"Apparently people keep mistaking me for their Mirrors because they keep saying I'm ugly or fat"

"Word of the day: exhaustipated. Too tired to give a shit."

"If you believe binoculars are overrated, then look no further."

"INTERVIEWER: ""How would you describe yourself?"" ME: ""Verbally, but I've also prepared a dance."""

"Me: What did you do at preschool? 3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time. Me: 3-year-old: I need to lie down."