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Joke of the Day

"You think if I tell my dad ""30 is the new 20"" he'll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?"

"Today I popped a G string while fingering a minor. I'm going to the violin repair shop tomorrow."

"Good ol' misogynistic joke What do you call a woman with two black eyes? Two good fucking lessons taught."

"How did the blind girl accidentally get pregnant? As careful as she tried to be, she could never have seen him coming"

"Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex."

"What do you call a giant squid who runs a tow service in Indonesia? A Kraken-towa!"

"Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day."

"*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do* Wife: Where's Brian? Me: [studying her closely] He's... right here?"

"I had an argument with a Mobius strip the other day. It was very one-sided."

"Co-worker felt bad about throwing away a donation request from the Alzheimer's Association. I told him not to worry, they won't remember who they sent those to anyway."