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Joke of the Day

"[therapist] what seems to be the problem? [her] he only hears what he wants to hear. It's awful [me] oh my god yes, I would love a waffle"

"The noblest of dogs is the hot-dog... ...it feeds the hand that bites it."

"DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again! *daughter dish starts sobbing* [outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight"

"Sometimes I feel like people are just using me for my likes."

"People who eat ass have a shitty taste in sex"

"instagram me like one of your drunk girls"

"Whats the similarity between a reddit user and a vulture? Both are dead inside."

"I don't like anti jokes... I like uncle jokes"

"ME: I've been shot MEDIC: put pressure on the wound ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child's tuition because education is important"

"*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport* TSA agent: I've never seen this low of a reading"