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Joke of the Day

"Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year."

"You're not completely useless... You can be used as a bad example. *Heard Collin Farrell say this to Jimmy Fallon and laughed haha*"

"They say that dog is mans best friend ... ... but I don't have enemies that stare me directly in the eye whilst taking a shit on my carpet"

"My neighbor knocked on my door at 3am!!!! 3 in the morning can you believe that?! Luckily, I was still awake playing my drums."

"[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist] ""He was literally kermit the frog"""

"Only attractive people that get laid all the time troll people on the internet. Everybody knows that."

"Met a prostitute that will do anything for 100 $ Guess who's writing my take home exam ^^"

"What is the best kind of dog to direct traffic at a busy intersection? A pointer!"

"I've started a charity for donating horchata-flavored espressos to deaf Americans in Thailand. It's called the ""ASL Rice Phuket Allonge"""

"Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels."