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Joke of the Day

"""What's your favourite Pixar film?"", my dad asked I replied, ""Up, yours?"" My dad gave me a weird look and said, ""No need to be like that, I was only asking."""

"Did you hear about the first time offender who was in to BDSM? He got off with nothing but a slap on the wrist."

"How did I get out of Iraq? Iran."

"When you get turned on by the idea of the government watching you masturbate That's just you feeling Illumi-naughty."

"""do u have twitter"" ""SORRY I CAN'T HEAR U!! UR BREAKING UP"" *makes fake static noises* ""we're not even on the pho-"" *jumps out of window*"

"Any salad can be a Caesar salad. You just need to stab it enough times."

"What's the difference between Peter Parker and Basic White Girls? Parker gets paid for his selfies."

"Why don't married men live as long as single men? They don't want to!"

"It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it's viewers. #TWDfinale"

"me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me cat: mother's lips taste perpetually of bacon"