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Joke of the Day

"I wanted to be a politician... But then I realized that I couldn't fit my entire head up my ass."

"Who is the Sith Lord of fear? Count Spooku"

"Ted Cruz, according to the news, IS planning THat Either cruZ Or his aDminIstrAtion will be Compiling their documents to maKe a IntegraL poLitical announcemEnt this afteRnoon [hope you can decrypt it]"

"Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't fuckin know, maybe if you didn't run him over we could ask him."

"My co-worker just dropped this on me, thought I share. What word starts with N and ends with R and you never want to call a black guy? Neighbor"

"Want to depress yourself? Realize that someday Tom Hanks will die. Want to cheer yourself up? Remember that right now, Tom Hanks is alive."

"What do you call an Irish girl sitting on a hot griddle holding a piece of cheese? A paddy melt!!"

"my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps"

"Interviewer: We offer great benefits. Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?"

"No matter how loud she screams, DO NOT take IT out. protect your credit card guys :)"