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Joke of the Day

"Worst things the parents do on Home Alone: 3. Never punish Buzz 2. Forget one of their kids 1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza"

"Pretzels come in twist shape because the twist is how disappointed you are in your snack."

"What does one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month."

"What does a cat say when it lands on it's back? Me. Ow."

"What does ISIS and a great joke have in common? A great execution."

"Wife: We're not talking over the radio. This relationship is over. Husband: This relationship is what? Over."

"Why do Ken and Barbie never have kids? Because Ken always comes in a different box"

"What do you call a fear of deadly snakes? Common sense."

"[girl points at my scar] What happened? Oh that? Old sports injury. [flashback to me sprinting after an ice cream truck]"

"How do you know you're playing a Jewish Football team (American Football) On defense, they only run the Dime Formation"