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Joke of the Day

"What did I do before Twitter? Well, there's my family and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S MY FAMILY?!?!"

"The best way to respond to a limp handshake is to tickle their palm with your middle finger"

"Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch? Oscar: Growing up, my parents were- *stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle* CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN."

"Did you hear about the pedophile that never could win a race? He was always coming in a little behind."

"What's the difference between a special needs worker and a gardener? One of them has to water their vegetables"

"Dont worry people, you can still wear your LiveStrong braclets. Just cross out the V."

"BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. ""Hitler's haircut is literally the worst,"" she writes. ""Also he's mean."""

"I saw my brother kiss my uncle today. I'm starting to think he's relatively gay."

"If you survived a shark attack, nice job, asshole. You just missed out on the coolest way to die."

"I think the health care bill is unpopular because it lacks vampires."