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Joke of the Day

"At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole. ""Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"" ""Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"""

"My girlfriend asked me the other day, ""Dave, why do you always walk in front of me?"" I said, ""I'm sorry, I don't follow you."""

"Finally successful enough to have ""haters"", still not successful enough to be successful"

"Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She's still not talking to me."

"What's the best part of having Alzheimer's? You get to meet new people everyday!"

"What's the difference between Leibniz and the Civil Rights Movement? Leibniz was able to integrate in 1675."

"Beware of TV. It has the power to turn things like storage, parking and cupcakes into wars."

"Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her."

"I came across my parents doing it in the bathroom!!! My dad was like, ""Where do I go now?"""

"[tearing off our clothes] Her: I want you. Take off your shoes. *kicks flip-flop through her TV*"