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Joke of the Day

"*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*"

"Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact? Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me."

"When I was a child I could go into a shop with just a pound, and come out with 3 bars of chocolate, 2 cans of coke and a magazine. But these days, fucking CCTV everywhere."

"[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn't mean you can order before me"

"Two gay guys walk into a bar. One sits down slowly, the other pushes his stool in."

"Doctor doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible! What sister?"

"It's okay when Daisy Duck walks around in high heels and with no pants on but when I do it people are all ""this is a church, young lady."""

"What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis"

"Helen Keller walks into a bar Then a chair, then a table."

"Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the finest ingredients, *asshole*."