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Joke of the Day

"Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3? Because in charge of directing, Yoda was"

"Me: Hi Kid: M: Still? It's been a week K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE! M: You didn't die. Calm down."

"When I run the media, ""blue"" and ""red"" states will be renamed ""Crate & Barrel"" and ""Cracker Barrel"" states."

"I decided to get a tattoo of a cross Because I want people to know that not only am I religious, but I also lack creativity and am an asshole."

"I need some advice What has everyone been using to get ice of their cars in the morning? I've been using a discount card, but I can only ever get 20% off"

"Toy Story 5: Jason Statham must deliver the last iPad to Uganda, in a prius, and he has to drift the entire trip or the car will explode"

"I heard that Al Qaeda recently received substantial financial aid from an unknown person in South Korea. It seems the terrorists have Won."

"*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a seance* I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER! [4 days later] YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY"

"what idiot called it becoming a zombie and not waking up on the wrong side of the dead"

"What would a depressed Abraham Lincoln do? Slit the writ of habeas corpus."