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Joke of the Day

"me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first! son *screaming*"

"Gifts for the family Nephew- iPod Son- iPhone Father- iPad Mother-iRon"

"Whoa. Wait a minute. So those stick figures on your car aren't for pedestrians you ran over? Damn it! *starts scraping off her stickers*"

"I just saw two really large spiders dancing to some 1980s music. I think they were Duran Durantulas."

"ME: Why can't everyone just be nice EVERYONE: Why can't you ME: Don't change the subject"

"I remember when my grand father first got his pace maker Every time he would go to use the microwave he would piss his pants and forget who he was for about an half an hour or so."

"I recently started smoking... It was all dunhill from there"

"[job interview] ""any questions?"" yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart? ""ma'am this is a bank"" I know but you seem like a man with some answers"

"How do you know if you have skin cancer? You die from skin cancer and come back as a ghost to study the autopsy report."

"What's the fastest curry in the world? Usain Balti.."