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Joke of the Day

"Whoa. Wait a minute. So those stick figures on your car aren't for pedestrians you ran over? Damn it! *starts scraping off her stickers*"

"ME: I've brought you a house-warming present ESKIMO: You idiot"

"What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish"

"A recent study shows that 51.9% of the UK are under educated. It was called the EU referendum."

"Why is the symbols row of my keyboard swearing at me"

"I asked my wife if we could do 68 tonight. She'd blow me, and I'd owe her one."

"[in front of fire] DATE: I'm still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket* ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it"

"A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius."

"69% of people find something dirty in every sentence."

"TIFU by eating my coworkers sandwich instead of mine. oops wrong sub."