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Joke of the Day

"Being a conservative, I set all our clocks back 23 hours. I just can't stomach the idea of moving anything forward."

"some terrible part of me is perpetually close to just making and selling artisinal customized tamagotchis & bein real pretentious about it"

"I'm starting a firing squad business Our motto is ""we aim to please""."

"My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, ""Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"""

"In order to catch a cab, one must think like a cab first."

"I have a very nice joke about unemployment.. but it never works."

"Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All *obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice* What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle? When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection."

"If you cross your fingers after surgery you'll heal faster Or maybe that's just super stichin'"

"I don't care what everyone says, I think my Jersey Shore hairstyle makes me look sophisticated."

"[Married pillow-talk] Husband: What's your deepest fantasy? Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don't leave any crumbs under the table."