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Joke of the Day

"After an attempted mugging a few months ago I decided to start carrying a knife... now my muggings are a lot more successful"

"The fun way to tell if a celebrity is crazy is by how many times they delete and reactivate their Twitter account."

"Father: *places hand on shoulder* My son..... *Son: Yes father? *Father: Check out this cool severed hand I just found! editted for format, which I suck at apparently"

"If you plug in a USB cord correctly on the first try, you shouldn't have to pay taxes for a year."

"1. Get preg 2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using Satanic alchemy 3. Give birth to yourself 4. Old body dies 5. Be a baby"

"Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they're still alive."

"Raise the roof! The roof is on fire! Hit the club! Bust those moves! Burning the dance floor! - RL partying sounds so violent"

"What's Forrest Gump's Password? 1FORREST1"

"My girlfriend doesn't like me having access to a European single market of 500 million So we had a vote and she's making me uninstall Tinder"

"What is a vampire's sweetheart called? His ghoul-friend. "