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Joke of the Day

"Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they're still alive."

"A Japanese commander invites Darth Vader to dinner He asks him "" Will you be there tonight at 8 PM Lord Vader?"" Vader says "" I hope so commander, for your sake ""."

"Naked and Afraid, but it's just me staring down a spider in the shower."

"People are saying that the Kardashians think Khloe's new boyfriend doesn't love her. They think he's simply using her to be famous or as they put it, ""Welcome to the family."""

"With this new winter storm on the way, it looks like Boston is going to get hammered again. They'll also be getting snow too."

"I like my diamonds like I like my steak. Bloody"

"I have the best proctologist. He's able to massage my shoulders and check my prostate at the same time."

"Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in 3s and 5s? Because they literally can't even."

"The worst part about killing baby hitler is when you come back and everyone says ""who?"" but you still killed a baby."

"Absentmindedness SHE""I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest creatures living."" HE(absent-mindedly)""Yes, my lamb."""