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Joke of the Day

"No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER. Family: uh...this is an Intervention Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she's crying"

"The Native Americans used to trust the white man, now they have their reservations."

"A drug addict walks into a changing room.... he came out a changed man."

"HER: I'm leaving you ME: Is it because I'm too literal? HER: no it's just we're not working out ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*"

"How do you ruin a joke? Screw it up. How do you ruin a joke? Screw it up again."

"Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you. Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*"

"COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take. ME: You mean, don't take? COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen."

"What is the hardest part about eating vegetables? The wheelchair."

"YOLO doesn't work for cats."

"""I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!"" I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities."