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Joke of the Day

"Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you. Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*"

"You and Me = Grand Unification"

"Wow. Girl 1) Isn't that illegal? Girl 2) Yeah, so is prostitution but I didn't stop your mom. Girl 1) You don't know my mom. Girl 2) Neither did your dad."

"The girl at the Baskins-Robbins thinks Leonardo da Vinci was ""in that Titanic movie"". Now my ice cream tastes like stupid."

"My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover"

"95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics."

"What do Nihilist's believe in..."

"[Pilot intercom] Me: ""Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."""

"I got throw out of university for plagiarism... Their words, not mine."

"Father Christmas:I like the story about the girl who steals from the rich and gives it all to Granny. Elf: That's Little Red Robin Hood'!"