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Joke of the Day

"My twittercide will be like the final scene in BraveHeart but a doughnut will fall from my hand in slowmo instead of an embroidered hanky."

"Say what you want about pedophiles.. but at least they slow down at children's crossings."

"Life is too complicated in the morning."

"A lot of beautiful women have told me that I am a looker... and that I should stop."

"I'm a 40 yr old man sitting at a Cafe with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by."

"What will fast food workers say in Trump's Amerika? Arbeit Macht Freis with that?"

"*helping son with math problem* [hour later] JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!"

"A hero without a villain becomes useless. A villain without a hero becomes.. The government."

"Why was the ground all white after Custer's last stand? Because the indians kept coming and coming..."

"Why do time machines make you happy? They're an anti de-present."