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Joke of the Day

"*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??"

"Why do waiters prefer elephants to flies? Have you ever heard anyone complaining of a elephant in their soup? ."

"I can't love you. I'm still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can't abandon her."

"How do you start to politely tell someone that their God isn't in the stars? ""Well... If it's any constellation..."""

"For valentine's day, I'm taking my wife to see ""50 Shades"". How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up."

"How much sex does one of God's brides have? Nun"

"What do you call an Asian flying a plane? A pirate."

"What do a daycare and my basement have in common? Both have a bunch of screaming children in them."

"(This one is better when spoken) Did you hear about the man with two penises? Yep. First one he named Jose. Second one he named hose B.(again, better spoken)"

"Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first. Me or the police."