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Joke of the Day

"friend: wish you were here! me, abruptly stopping whatever I'm doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really"

"I don't drink for religious reasons. I drink for other reasons."

"q uo poq nq s s s"

"""Babe there's something I've always wanted to do.."" *tenderly moves her bangs away from her eyes then scotch tapes them to her forehead*"

"[Mesozoic era] God: if u can't spell ur name you're going extinct Jellyfish: seems fair Pterodactyl: [to Brachiosaurus] this is bullshit"

"I'm so broke.. .. that when my Identiy was stolen today and LifeLock called me and said I now have no money in my bank account. I was like, ""Sweet! I'm no longer in debt"""

"Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but you're on Facebook instead."

"If guns don't kill people; people kill people... Then toasters don't toast toast, toast toasts toast."

"PSA: Always be careful around muesli. My friend drowned in muesli once. He was pulled in by a strong currant."

"If you hate yourself, just drink alcohol like an adult; there's no need to vote for Trump."