198743

Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between telling a good joke and sex? Dunno. I'm pretty shit at both."

"*kneels to pray* ""Hello, God?"" ""YOU'VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT."" ""Who is this?"" ""MY NAME IS BRAD."" ""Are you in Heaven, Brad?"" ""NO, INDIA."""

"[Jesus on the cross] *texts with 1 hand* ""um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf"" *5 hrs pass* ""new phone. who dis?"""

"Donald Trump just kicked a Mexican out of his press conference for not waiting their turn like everyone else."

"Did you hear about the protests going on outside of Madison Square Garden? Everyone was yelling ""Hands up, Don't Shoot"" but J.R. Smith and Carmelo Anthony just wouldn't listen."

"want to go to a pet store and pet the guinea pigs. let me see those baked potatos stat. i want to hear the noise they make"

"It wasn't much fun having a broken neck, but now I can look back and laugh."

"I hit a Milestone today and now my fist really hurts."

"Congress looks like the worst group project ever."

"I am fluent in Italian and Spanish, but I'm much better at Italian I guess you could say that Italian is my forte"