198616

Joke of the Day

"If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield's, I'd probably shit my pants."

"Not now brain... ...this is a job for stupidity."

"When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog So someone in the house is happy to see you."

"One time, I considered becoming a gynecologist... ...but then I heard I'd be dealing with twats every day."

"What do women and dog poop have in common? The older they are the easier they are to pick up."

"I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one.. There all like awww shit, who's it gonna be this time"

"Weather channel: It's going to get up into the mid-30's this afternoon but it'll still feel like it's in the teens. Me: Literally me."

"Things Ted Cruz and I have in common: 1. Love butter 2. Shy eyes 3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual 4. Brown hair"

"For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did... I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through."

"Do these pants make my butt look fat? No, but those glasses do."