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Joke of the Day

"If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield's, I'd probably shit my pants."

"Dodgeball in gym class... because life wasn't already hard enough when I was 12."

"I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper."

"Fellas, imagine having your balls roughly kneaded for two days straight. Congratulations you just experienced menstrual cramps."

"How do you get a Twinkie pregnant? Put it in box of Ding Dongs. What is it afterwards? A HoHo"

"Wife: Why the hell did you buy a buffalo? Me: I'd rather have a buffalo and not need it than need a buffalo and not have it."

"How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but it is going to about 7 episodes."

"I'll bring a knife to a knife fight because I have common sense. Idiots."

"Like on Amazon or in our house? [My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]"

"I've read Plumbing for idiots' twice and I still haven't got a clue what I'm doing. I guess it's going to take another few reads before this sinks in."