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Joke of the Day

"Divorce lawyers all over the world are rubbing their hands together in glee now that Twitter DM has a picture function."

"Typical day Just saw Denzel Washington on the street and said ""Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?"" And he's all like ""I'm not Denzel you racist piece of shit."" Classic Denzel."

"Bernie Sanders fans say ""Feel the Bern."" Gary Johnson fans say Feel the Johnson."

"Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you're sprouting tinsel instead."

"Coworker: Do you party? Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah."

"Why isn't Luke on the poster for The Force Awakens? He's a bit Shywalker. I'm so, so sorry everyone."

"I'm white, but... Nope. Can't do one of those today. Look, I'm at a B&B on Cape Cod right now. I'm a fanny pack away from translucent."

"Two sausages are in a frying pan One sausage turns to the other and says, ""gettin' hot in here."" The other sausage turns and says, ""holy shit a talking sausage!"""

"I think walking in on my parents having sex would be less awkward than standing over your shoulder while you show me a YouTube video."

"How many kids does a sterile German have? Nein."