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Joke of the Day

"[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey W: but- PLS JUST DO IT *ends phonecall* BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good"

"""Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You're boring. I'm leaving... Jk I'm back. Hey"" - Birds"

"Christian Singles sounds like a Kraft product."

"News just in. There are reports that all the toilets have been stolen at Scotland Yard. Police say they have nothing to go on."

"Carol learned a hard lesson the day she forgot the word berry when googling blueberry waffle recipes."

"Wintertime It's winter again. That time of year when the poor are making tough choices between food, heating, or getting that massive new tattoo."

"(Here's a Pick up line) ... You should sell hot dogs ! Because you know how to make a wiener stand!"

"I've always had an over-active imagination. Like that time I found myself drowning in an ocean of Tango it took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea."

"If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what is outside? K9P."

"Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards."