196930

Joke of the Day

"Me: goodnight kids Kids: goodnight dad Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT"

"Can we have a moment of silence for all the great tweets that never make it out of the shower..."

"Why did the vegetables hop into the boiling pot of water? They were part of a stewicide pact."

"I think ""Don't Kid Yourself"" would be a great brand name for birth control pills."

"Ordered my grilled cheese with tomato. Go hard or go home."

"England doesn't have kidney banks, but it has a Liverpool."

"I'm getting ready to go down to support the woman's march. Just waiting on my wife to pack me a sandwich."

"Ice cream sandwich listens intently through the wall of the refrigerator as turkey and mayo whisper, ""He's not a real sandwich."""

"Saw Marshawn Lynch at the eye clinic a few days ago. He told me he was just there so he won't get blind."

"What do you call gungan served raw? Tartare Binks..."