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Joke of the Day

"My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it's going to get our kids into Harvard."

"Which part of a billiards setup can you use to clean your ears? The cue tip."

"I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone."

"My pants say yoga but my ass says more cupcakes please"

"I probably should've said, ""Congrats on your 4th child!"" instead of ""Halfway there, OctoMom""."

"why do woman get periods? because they deserve them"

"[phone rings] Mum: your grandad isn't well. I'm afraid he's on his deathbed Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then"

"How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her."

"This looks like a job for.. *I rip open my jacket* Jacket Repair Man! *I sew my jacket back together*"

"My new thesaurus is terrible. It's also terrible."