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Joke of the Day

"I think I'm non-committal I mean I'm pretty sure, but, you know, who knows, really?"

"I'm starting to think that the gym isn't really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later."

"What's the difference between 2015 and Moore's Law? One's the year of the ram, the other is the ram of the year."

"Wanna hear a joke? The Black Lives Matter movement."

"I tried to make the earthquake drill realistic by throwing glass shards and screaming ""You fuckers are dead."" I'm no longer safety captain."

"There was a spider in my bathroom so I threw the cat at it. The spider is dead but the cat's pretty pissed"

"What's one thing that a beautiful woman and a jar of peanut butter have in common? They can both make me swell up to 3 times my normal size."

"Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh."

"The guy who fell off the ferris wheel is at the hospital.. He's in fair condition."

"I was gonna tell a priest joke... But it would probably rub some kids the wrong way."