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Joke of the Day

"My wife said we each needed to make sacrifices to make our relationship work. She was less than impressed with the dead goat I left in our kitchen."

"A crossfiter, a vegan, and an atheist walk into a bar... I know this because they won't shut up about it."

"To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now."

"Whats the difference between acne and the pope? Acne doesn't come on your face till about thirteen."

"""Daddy, are vampires real?"" ""No, sweetie. Go back to bed."" *waits until daughter is asleep* *grabs red Sharpie* *draws 2 dots on her neck*"

"Sinead O'Connor has gone missing whilst going out on a bike ride. I'll start to get worried when it's been seven hours and fifteen days"

"How do you find an obese woman's vagina in the dark? Go through the folds of fat until you smell shit, then go back one."

"How does the mummy plan to destroy Superman? He's going to lure him into the crypt tonight."

"I need constant reassurance, right?"

"I'm not racist because... I'd rather be black, than asian."