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Joke of the Day

"*lowers head *breaks thru 5 tackles *hurdles lineman *runs 100 yards *hamstrung at goal line *dragged back to line of scrimmage -my wedding"

"So Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter are to separate after 13 years together. I wonder who will get custody of Johnny Depp."

"I just got a job cleaning air ducts and I don't like it very much, but at least I have a job. Thanks for letting me vent."

"I like my women with curves. Lots and lots of curves. In a sort of spiral shape, maybe with ketchup. Curly fries. I like curly fries"

"Why aren't you doing very well in history? Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!"

"""No. Delete it."" -Mona Lisa"

"The less people you chill with....The less bullshit you deal with."

"Sometimes it's better to keep using the wrong key until you find the right lock."

"Her: I like risk takers Me:[goes to the McDonalds Drive Thru and places a complicated order. Grabs the bag and drives off w/o checking it]"

"On my birthday, my wife asked me to take her some where she never visited... On my birthday, my wife asked me to take her some where she never visited. So I took her to the kitchen :P"