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Joke of the Day

"Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter. 3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do."

"How many ""friend-zoned"" guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it wont screw."

"Don't hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game."

"What do you call a teacher who doesn't flatulate in public. A private tutor. -Credits to my cousin ;)"

"Lesbian Joke Why can't lesbians wear make-up and go on a diet at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig when Mary Kay is already on her face."

"perfect vision Whenever someone asks me what I plan on doing in five years I always get frustrated. Like c'mon guys I don't have 2020 vision."

"We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She's going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas."

"A man goes to a store, walks up front and greets the girl behind the counter: ""Hey, baby, do you believe in love at first sight?"" ""No"" ""Then I'll come back tomorrow"""

"I'm so hungry I could Instagram a horse."

"It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million. How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?"