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Joke of the Day

"I've got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I'm stressing about for absolutely no logical reason."

"There's only two kinds of people in this world: people who know how to use conjunctions, but people who don't."

"Why do groups of birds always seem so shady? cuz they're always flockin' around"

"TIL that soldiers in Vietnam ate small amounts of C4 plastic explosive to get high. No wonder the US defense budget blew up so quickly."

"Pro-lifers Haven't they realised that you have to die to get to Heaven?"

"Remember to keep the 'inmate' in 'intimate' by getting married."

"When a celebrity dies, who's the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the ""is""s to ""was""s on their Wikipedia page?"

"What do you call an American with a lavatory on his head ? John."

"Thank you student loans, for getting me through college... I don't think I can ever repay you!"

"My friend told me his wife talks a lot in her sleep ""I know"" was probably not the right answer"