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Joke of the Day
"How does Hitler tie his shoes? (say outloud) With little knotsies."
Next Joke
"When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal."
"If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet"
"Why do pediatricians get so frustrated? They have very little patients."
"I'll never rob a store because I don't want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster."
"""Wanna see videos from my vacation?"" *shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge ""This is the wrong video"" ""No this is right"""
"""If you get me to the next station I promise I'll never let you fall below half a tank again"" - A Memoir"
"[Enter restaurant] WIFE: See if you can get us a table ME: Ok [1 minute later] ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR"
"I can't stand people who curse. Fucking disgraceful."
"Why shouldn't you get a Bachelors in Science? Because it's BS. Yea that was bullshit. Fine I'll cut it out.."