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Joke of the Day

"wife: ""you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings"" me: [covering penguin's ears] ""he can hear you linda"""

"I slept like a baby last night... ...I woke up screaming because I had shat myself"

"A pirate with a parrot on his shoulder was applying for a job. His resume spoke for itself."

"Why does Britain love tea so much? Because tea leaves."

"A baby seal walks into a club. buh dum tssss."

"Dark humor is a lot like food... Not everyone gets it"

"Harry Potter joke Q. Why can't Snape teach Herbology? A. He can't keep the lilies alive."

"Had sex with my nephew's English teacher. Texted her the next day ""Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!"" so I don't have to see her again."

"How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The bitch can suck my dick in the dark for all I care...."

"The wages of sin is death But hey, at least I got a job."