194892

Joke of the Day

"Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being."

"""Must you lick the knife?"" ""Sorry,force of habit"" I said ""Loads of people do it though, don't they?"" ""Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor"""

"I almost bought a 5 pound bag of mini-eggs at costco. Then I saw the 10 pound bag."

"A bird can fly... But a fly can't bird."

"85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon"

"Do you know how a suicide wank works? You just shoot yourself in the face!"

"The wifi going down on me is the most action I'm going to get tonight."

"Has this one ever been used? Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was chicken. Alright."

"[aircraft carrier] *paints a T on the helipad* Captain: No it has to have an H Me: Why? *train sounds approaching* Captain: Oh dear god"

"Jack and John A guy in a plane stood up and shouted ""Hijack!"" Everyone panicked. From the other end of the plane a man stood up and shouted back ""Hi John!"""