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Joke of the Day

"ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*"

"A young pirate asks his old sea dog captain... .. why he wears a patch over one eye. The captain replies, ""Yarr, my parrot shat in me eye... And I wasn't used to me hook"""

"Why should you not throw stones at a knight? Because heavy metal is harder than rock."

"There are six American flags on the Moon. Five of them are still standing. Due to the strong UV radiation, they are all completely white by now. So it looks like the French landed there."

"Why is sorority row the safest place to be during a zombie invasion? Cause the zombies are looking for braaaaaaaains"

"Caught out in the wilderness without any toilet paper? Just take a leaf out of Bear Gryll's book... Edit: Spelling"

"What's the difference between... A gold fish and a mountain goat? One mucks about the mountain. What's the difference between a police batton and a magician's wand? One is used for cunning stunts."

"How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but getting them in there is a bitch!"

"Yo Momma so Fat When she met Stevie Wonder backstage. He was like ""Who brought a goddamned bouncy castle in here!"""

"My favorite romance novels begin with ""Preheat oven to 350 degrees"""