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Joke of the Day

"Why is Jesus never able to finish more than half of a crossword puzzle? He always gets stuck on across."

"[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my resume to get] ME: *does Madonna's Vogue choreography for 45 min*"

"me: hi sloth: HELL!!!! me: ..umm [walks away] sloth: ..oh :("

"the waiter grinds me some pepper. ""tell me when."" i never say 'when'. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr"

"When life gets hard you have to grasp it. When it comes you have to take it on the chin."

"College students... Thief: ""Give me all your money !"" Me: ""I'm a college student..."" Thief: ""... Have some of mine."""

"Used parachute for sale. Only used once, never been opened."

"What did the ram say as his lover lay on her deathbed? There will never be another ewe."

"How do Australians find sheep in the long grass? Irresistible..."

"I met a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray. Crazy conversations, he was definitely a seasoned veteran."