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Joke of the Day

"Isn't Twitter basically all NSFW since we all tweet while we're at work & hit the 'Close Tab' button like a ninja when the boss walks by?"

"Email and social media only go so far. Today, pick up the phone and call a brand you love."

"What's it called when two retarded lesbians have sex? Sthaftey scthissors!"

"A friend of mine from Europe told me this beer joke What's the difference between American beer and sex in a canoe? Nothing. They're both fucking close to water."

"No YouP0rn... I do not want to play poker, I'm at work for crying out loud."

"Hubs: If you could sleep with... Me: THOR!!! Hubs: ...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. Me: Ohhhh..."

"[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door] ""TRICK OR TREAT!"" You kids are in for a real treat... *slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*"

"You know you're getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows."

"A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing... 'He's like a fish out of water.' 'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?' 'No, I mean he's dead.' -Mike Close-"

"What is the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the Battered Women's Shelter? The dishes, if she knows what's good for her."