166267

Joke of the Day

"You know you're getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows."

"Someone on my FB posted a snap that said ""I'm boared"" And I'm just like....... *don't comment *don't comment *don't comment *don't comment"

"Volkswagen announces it will open a facility in Israel to make a new advanced vehicle... The new models are are so advanced not only will they stop on a dime, they'll actually pick it up."

"My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock"

"""Bob's here"" Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he's a surgeon? ""We only know one Bob and he's an accountant"" *arm falls off*"

"I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick."

"*walks in house wearing a large neck brace* oh no, what happened? ""my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking"""

"If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys, I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does."

"YOU: Please be aware-- ME: I'm not. I never will be. I've never even SEEN a ""ware"""

"People that say ""we're not even white, we're pink"" obviously haven't seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight."