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Joke of the Day

"#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. - Yakov Smirnoff"

"I saw a guy struggling with the frozen vending machine trying to get some ice cream. Really paralleled my attempts to reach my ex-girlfriend's heart."

"[watching ""Cinderella""] 5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the floors? Me: Her stepsisters make her. 5: She should just buy a Roomba."

"How do you play Taliban bingo? B-52...F-16...B-1.."

"Running out of space for your porn collection? Just download midget porn, it's half the size"

"What's the difference between a lobster and a Japanese woman run over by a steamroller? One's a crustacean and the other is a crushed Asian."

"Why is Kim Jong Un a terrible leader? [removed]"

"They call me Metal Gear Because my snake is solid"

"I'm currently on a 2 hour layover in St. Louis airport. I'm cold and Missourable."

"So, tonight at the library I asked the librarian if they had any books on turtles ""Hardback?"" she inquired. ""Yes"" I said. ""and little heads."""