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Joke of the Day

"[watching ""Cinderella""] 5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the floors? Me: Her stepsisters make her. 5: She should just buy a Roomba."

"I can't believe I'm in class on Presidents' Day. This is an obamanation."

"""Give it to me! Give it to me!"" she yelled, ""I'm so wet, give it to me now!"" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella."

"I think that time will eventually show that Vanilli was by far the more talented of the two."

"Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible."

"Dating tip: Don't offer to pay. It's a sign of weakness. Build trust through mutual agreement to steal. No one suspects the ""happy couple."""

"Knock Knock Who's there? Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly who? Peanut butter jelly you!"

"Sad to say that Gregg Jevin, a man I just made up, has died. #RIPGreggJevin"

"What is a traitor's favorite food? Eggs Benedict"

"What did one unemployed cancer cell say to the other unemployed cancer cell? Let's get Jobs. Found in the comments of a /r/til post by /u/laurelwraith"